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Newt Gingrich Offers Proposal to Combat Poverty

Posted by jesskroll on November 21, 2011 at 8:20 PM

During a campaign fundraiser on Wednesday following a screening of his movie "A City Upon A Hill," Newt Gingrich, alongside his third wife Callista, promised a revolutionary new proposal to combat poverty. The policy, the Gingrich campaign claims, would help America's poorest families slowly work themselves toward economic freedom through independent and sustainable means.

 

"If elected president," Gingrich said while signing copies of his newest book The Battle of the Crater, "I will propose a law allowing America's poorest families to sell their children of no less than one year, to wealthier families for use as food." The proposal was met with thunderous applause by the crowd in attendance. Some attendees standing in a line where Callista was autographing copies of her new children's book Sweet Land of Liberty were seen to be weeping in sheer glee.

 

Gingrich continued, "By allowing the poor to sell their children as sustenance to the more fortunate, the economically disadvantaged in this country can create their own income without expanding the scope and reach of government." Gingrich further detailed that his proposal would gradually lower the nation's deficit by removing a certain percentage of poor children that would otherwise be entering public schools and requiring on-going expenses as healthcare which over time would lessen the bill on such social programs as Medicare and social security. As an added benefit the program would also offer a sustainable and nutritious food product supplied exclusively by domestic sources. "This proposal will allow even the poorest of Americans to create their own small business," Gingrich said, "one which is completely under their own control, and will provide income and jobs without the need to raise taxes on a single job creator in this country."

 

Minutes after his proposal announcement, Neil Cavuto, host of "Your World with Neil Cavuto" on Fox News, hailed the idea as further evidence of Gingrich's standing as the finest source of Republican fresh ideas. "Here again Gingrich offers a bold new way of thinking," Cavuto said, "cementing his reputation as a leader of such unique and brave positions. Gingrich should rightly be seen as the intellectual of the Republican party."

 

Fellow Fox host Sean Hannity supported not only the proposal's economic benefits, but also its creation of a new dietary staple. "I will be the first in line to purchase one of those tasty babies," Hannity proclaimed during his show.

 

Hannity's guest on Wednesday's show, chief Gingrich policy adviser, B. L. Zebub, stated that given the premium nature of the product income for poor families who wish to sell their children for wealthy consumption could demand premium prices. "Between one and five thousand dollars a pound," Zebub offered, "depending on the condition of the child and the type of meat." Zebub continued that both he and Gingrich agreed that, like chickens, white meat will naturally be considered of greater value.

 

Upon concluding the fundraiser with a dramatic recreation of his newest book-on-tape A Nation Like No Other, Gingrich rushed to a nearby soundstage for his satellite appearance on "The O'Reilly Factor." Host Bill O'Reilly, similarly excited by both the economic and gastronomic possibilities of the proposal, inquired whether the program would require that purchased children be used as food. Gingrich replied that such restrictions would constitute unnecessary government regulation on an industry that, like banking, credit, healthcare and energy, should be left for the free market to decide. "Utilization of purchased good will be left entirely up to the consumer," Gingrich said. "As with any other consumer good, once the purchase is complete the buyer may do as he pleases. If, for example, the buyer wishes to instead use the child for manual labor that is entirely his right. We can all agree that freedom means options. It's only right that those with the greatest wealth would have the greatest freedom, and this policy would be the first step toward the poor achieving a greater level of freedom."  

 

When asked by O'Reilly how this proposal adheres to his pro-life positioning, Gingrich reassured that the policy by no means damages any unborn children since it only applies after the child is born. "This proposal is entirely consistent with my long-standing belief that the poor are not people." The characteristically combative Gingrich concluded his appearance with a warning that "Any journalist attempting to use the words I have just said, be it on video or written verbatim, to demonstrate otherwise would be dishonest and should not be trusted."

 

 

 

Categories: Satire

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